Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter