*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏