I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
What?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”