My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.