Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My life coach traded me.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room