My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
You Might Also Like
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*