Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
You Might Also Like
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Y’all ready for this
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
doing your own taxes
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.