If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
new shirt idea
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.