Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.