[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
You Might Also Like
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
In space, no one can hear…
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.