“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.