Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
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HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
time machine? you mean a clock?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”