[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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Oh no
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Google assistant rules
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”