“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
“and how does that make you feel?”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”