why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.