11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-