Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing