Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”