How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
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[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.