@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
This is me
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
no
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
me after drinking all the wine:
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?