Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
This is not me but this is me
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..