Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
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[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.