It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Has there ever been a more American story?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG