*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
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instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me