Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular