I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
You Might Also Like
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
good morning
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I’d hang this in my house.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.