[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
How dude HOW?!
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Bless you
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
did it work
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.