[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
knights of the ikea table
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
three things we don’t talk about
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.