In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Would you wear it?
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Important reminders