3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
? 💀
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.