Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.