Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.