me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.