There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Every house has this drawer
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.