Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Lube but for my dry humor.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”