As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*eats only grass-fed donuts
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.