I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
definitely did not do anything wrong
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands