I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?