I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met