Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.