BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”