MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls