[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans