Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby