Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings