My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
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Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.