That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
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I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.