me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
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Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
What’s so funny?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Spider-cat: No One Home
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”