Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I have questions??
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye