Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.